Moving On After Losing Everything

Someone today asked me this: "I have a question for you... how do you do it?? How do you deal with being alone when you know whats its like to have everything??"

At first I couldn't believe someone would ask me that. Then it made me think. When I was with her I did have everything, and I tried so hard never to lose that. I felt so fulfilled when I was with her. When she left I was left alone with this huge feeling of emptiness. I felt like I had lost everything. I missed her companionship, the constant comfort of knowing she was there, her kisses, her smile. I missed the one person I had ever been able to completely open myself up too, and I felt like I would never be able to find someone like that again. For the longest time I held onto a hope that this was all a dream, that we'd remember how it felt to be so completely in love with one another.

I don't think I've moved on. I have, but I haven't. I still hold onto a hope that we will be together again one day. I still believe that no one else will come close to the love, come close to the bond that I have already shared. I didn't only lose my fiance that day, I lost my best friend.

The truth is I have moved on. There are times I still feel lonely, when I still feel sad. But I have been given so many new opportunities, sought out so many new experiences, that my life has been fulfilling in other ways. I have found ways to be productive. It seems that as a door in my life has closed, another has opened. The doors may not lead to the same place, but each brings with it a new experience. I haven't covered my emotions by becoming someone I am not, or giving up on the morals and values I hold. I have discovered again that I no longer need someone to make my life fulfilling. I hold on to the hope that I will be with her again, but I have realized that I must trust in God and rely on him. God has his own timetable and plans for our lives. I trust that He will provide for me. There are many times when I feel so vulnerable, but I place my trust, my faith, in Him.

With Faith, Hope, and Love... I remain.

Can Relate Too...

Sometimes I don't know what to do, cause I'm always thinking about you.
All the times we had together, I hope they last forever.
And every single word you ever said goes, around and round inside my head.
Just promise me that you'll be true, and I'll go crazy over you.
I'm so caught up in yesterday, I run out of things to say,
The only thing I can see, is life without you here with me.
I hope you'll call me on the phone, I don't want to be alone,
Somehow you make this all ok, and all my problems go away.
So I guess I'll just keep it all inside, I'm just that kind of guy.
Your everything I want that's why, I never want to say goodbye.

Theres a whisper in the air you breathe underneath a sky tonight,
Theres a peice of you inside my heart, that runs too deep to describe.
And your so much more than Wonderful, So much more than I can see.
And I could spend forever hoping, You'd be here with me. Here with me.
When the world in me so ended, With nothing left to say,
Theres an Angel in your voice, That tells me Everything's OK.

We could take this road to nowhere in my `89 and floor it through state lines,
And we'll reach our destination whatever it might be as long as you don't leave
Cause I don't ever want to slow this down, everything I've ever wanted has been found,
We could drive into the future with our memories holding on to all we believe.
Cause I don't ever want to slow this down, everything I've ever wanted has been found,
We could drive into the future with our memories holding on to how things used to be.

Heart In A Blender... Watch It Spin Around To A Beautiful Oblivion

*Have you ever felt completely inadequate. I am completely honest, I try my hardest to be the best person I can be for her; yet somehow I feel like I am always failing. I know she loves me, but I am so afraid it is not nearly as much as I love her. She is my world, my everything. But I constantly feel like she deserves and wants better than me. This song really struck me down hard this week. It is the most painful thing to be away from the person you love and not be able to talk to them.

Carpe Diem?

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

*Here is another one of the Carpe Diem themed poems. This one fits with how I had been feeling. I say had, because today I have lost all ambition for my wishes of the future. I hate holding everything inside. This lack of ambition will probably soon pass with the rise of some better days, but I don't know how much longer I will last. But nobody likes to listen to my depressive ramblings so without further ado allow me to dissect this great poem by Marvell for you all.

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
(He is saying that should time not exist, and we not be controlled by it, the question of impending death would not exist. Therefore, the idea of siezing the day would no longer matter.)
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
(He is saying his love is natural, and organic; and given the opportunity it would grow immensely.)
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.
(His love is dignified. It is easy to read this poem and see a carnal image of sexuality and love, but that is not the case. He is not simply lusting, but is enamored by the woman he is in love with.)

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
(Death is imminent, he can feel it's approach)
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
(Each passing day ages them, and with that each passing day is a day wasted when they could have been together.)
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
(Once again the author is not merely speaking on carnal images of sex, his love is deeper, and virginity holds a much more dignified thought. Virginity is a display used to reference the consummation of marriage, and thus an eternal bond between him and his lover.)
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.
(The speaker is grasping the idea of living for today, because when we are dead the opportunity to be together will not be there. They cannot hug/embrace one another from the grave)

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
(He is saying let us live for today when we have the chance.)
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
(This wait, it's frustrating. The author is displaying an aggressive desire, his will, to be with this person.)
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
(The author is telling himself and his lover to fight against time, to live for today and plan for the future, instead of allowing time to pass and thus be in control.)
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.
(This is a reference to the biblical story of the sun involving the battle in Israel. He is saying that though he cannot make the sun shine all day and stop time from passing, they can make the sun (time) run by using it wisely and living like every second counts.)

*Overall the author is using the 'seize the day' theme to show us that the future is not guaranteed, and that the time we spend right now matters just as much as the time we spend 10 years from now. He is offering the stance that even though he and is lover are young, there love is true; and then why should they wait on time to be together forever. The idea of seizing the day is an interesting and optimistic theme, but today my heart just isn't in it.

Carpe Diem

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
~Robert Herrick

*Robert Herrick, the author of this famous poem, was known as a cavalier poet. He lived during a time when people questioned their existence and how to spend their time. The period he lived in was just coming out of the Black Death and there was Civil War in the area. Every day that went by led people to question their impending death, and ask themselves what they should do with their lives right now. They became aware of just how fleeting time really is. The poem is not meant to be depressing or instill fear of death in people's hearts, instead it is a reminder that each passing day is a time when we could have spent doing something remarkable, or shared with the person we love. There are areas in my life where I am restless, and waiting on time becomes frustrating. The idea of time holding something back seems to have become a standard of society. Every ideal is different, and warrants a varying approach. The idea of 'Carpe Diem' and siezing the day seems less prevalent in society today. Seizing the day isn't routine, nor should it always include following the norm. But alas, we are dependent on time; and we are judged within the time frames so chosen by society.

Here we are all, by day; by night, we're hurled
By dreams, each one into a several world.
~Robert Herrick

im sorry

i can't stand being the one causing her tears anymore

sigh

i hate when people use the word love loosely.... how do you know when it really has meaning from someone when they use it with other people as well....

no comments, no explanations

Dear God,

I am a sinner. I know I do not live up to the perfection you wish to see in me. I am not holy. It is only by your grace and my faith in your sending your one and only son to die for my sins that I will live eternally with you in heaven.

I have trouble praying; you know this, I end feeling vain. It shouldn't be about me, it should be about you. My prayers should be a thanksgiving for you. But I need your guidance.

I feel drained, exhausted, confused. She is hurting. I need you to comfort her, please. I blame myself and it is killing me inside. Only you see my tears now. I ask for your forgiveness; yours and hers. I don't know what the future holds, only you can know that. You put us together for a reason; I ask that you guide us both on the paths that you wish us to live. I love her, but I need you to help me understand what that means.

I am sorry.

This Road That We Travel

There come times in everyone's lives when they begin to question what the future holds. What is God's plan for me? What am I supposed to do with the life I have been given? Which path should I take?
So often we have these fleeting thoughts, but then there are the times when you can't shake the feeling that your life is not what you want it to be. There are times when you begin to wish you had done more. Eventually you start going through the 'What If's?'. Once you are done looking at the past you turn your focus to the future. But we don't know the future, so we become confused. Once we have sobered ourselves in the fact that we cannot predict what's to come we turn towards the present. But the present is a funny thing, for it is the time we spend in the present that determine how we will view the past, and it is the time in the present that will guide us to our futures.
Right now I am so confused with the present, and my views on how I want my future that I don't know what to do with the present. So I go on and on unsure of the paths I should take. Over the next few years there are going to be many decisions I have to make about where my life is headed. All I can hope for is that the paths I take are the right ones.
Here are the lyrics to the song playing on my blog right now. I can listen to this song over and over and somehow find peace within it.

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow

May Christ in our marrow, carry us home

From alabaster come blessings of laughter

A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing

From hearts of contrition only for You

May sin never hold true that love never broke through

For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow

God give us peace and grace from You, all the day

Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher

God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

Let Go:

What if you don't know how?

Facebook

just for reference this is my facebook address (my college was just added this weekend :P) you don't have to be a facebook member to see my profile, but i don't know why you wouldn't want to be a member... some of the features are really cool... and for those of you in high school facebook just started for you too... so check it out the site is facebook.com and my personal address is:
Facebook me!

Free

what's wrong?

she's begun comparing what i am thinking about now to how she felt earlier in our relationship. she said the doubt would not go away, but would only get worse. she said my trust in her wouldn't be there, and that i wouldn't want the relationship. we talked through some of that. i told her it wasn't doubt about what we had, but the ups and downs we've had since college started that bothered me. i'm not questioning my feelings for her, that hasn't changed. i told her that my mind is telling me that all of the changes, the new environment, and the way we've been acting towards one another won't allow us to work. that doesn't mean that i don't want it to. i want it to work. that is what my heart tells me.
she knows something is still wrong. she calls me on it a lot. i told her i don't really know what it is, but its probably a bunch of little things. i am typing this to try to organize my thoughts into something i can talk to her about. she deserves to know what i am thinking. i hate hurting her, which is what i think i am doing now. she keeps saying that she isn't even analyzing or processing things right now. i don't know whether any of this is really bothering her or not, but either way it is bothering me; so if for no other reason i would like to try to sort this out for myself. i don't know how to explain what i am feeling or thinking. after i act like i do, after i dwell on the thoughts that come to mind i can't help but hate myself for it. i'm afraid a lot of the time that if i tell her what i am thinking that she'll get upset at my making an issue out of something to her that seems stupid. a lot of it comes back to the fear of losing her again. not a day goes by still to this day that i do not wonder if she wants to end our relationship. it scares me that a lot of the things said, or the ways we're acting are similar to the time before our break. then again it could all just be in my head. i'll try to sort through some of the things that i have been thinking about.
i seem to get so frustrated lately, even over some of the seemingly smallest of things. it isn't that i am constantly mad at her, i just get annoyed or frustrated very easily. i don't know how to get back to the time when those little things didn't bother me as much. we talked about not talking last night. that has been bothering me. i was reminded of it tonight. i am used to her coming to me with problems or thoughts, and telling me about her day. but now she has other people that she talks to. and when we have been together neither of us have opened a conversation. i feel like i'm on a back burner, which i realize is an unfair assumption. but i can't help getting frustrated by not being the first person she comes to anymore.
she knows that i have been reading a previous post on here. i can't help it. the feelings that i feel now are similar to then, and it seems some of what i wrote can help explain some of this now. once again it seem like all of these little things are piling up, and i feel that eventually i won't be able to handle it anymore. i don't like not having the alone time like we always had. now it seems there is always other people around. its hard to have deeper conversations with others in the room. i don't like when i am in her room that i end up talking to beth more than her.
i hate how she doesn't tell me things right away, or she'll hide different aspects. i don't want her to be afraid to tell me things. it only makes it worse when i hear her tell someone else later or hear it from someone else. it makes me think that the reason she doesn't tell me some things is because she thinks that i would find it wrong. but by not telling me it only makes me lose trust in her bit by bit.
i don't like how when i am in her room and we are actually talking that she'll get up and go to her computer to message someone. i hate how she talks to people on there more than me when i am in the room. or more than me in general. i realize this is one of those issues that i shouldn't let bother me so much, but i can't help getting frustrated. it is just one of the smaller things that i add to some of the others, and then i can't help being bothered.
i hate how when i think about things now i can't help thinking about the past and some of the things that remind me of it.
part of me cannot help but be bothered by some of the conversations we have had recently. there are some things that are in the back of my mind a lot of the time when i think about things like i am now. it scares me that she isn't sure what she wants. it scares me that she told me she loved me over the summer. told me that she meant it, and that she was sure. i can remember the first time she said it again after we were together again from the break. i don't know what to think about that anymore. even if she says it again i won't know whether she means it. i thought she meant it before, but she proved me wrong; she proved herself wrong.
another thing we both struggled with this week was the issue of sex. it scared me, as it did her. i wanted it. i knew at the time it couldn’t happen, obviously; but it scared me how much i wanted it to. i will respect whatever she wants, and my values tell me that even if she would want us to i shouldn’t. but i am afraid that i wouldn’t say no. i know i wouldn’t say no. but there is no way i will pressure her into that, even if it ever were to come up that we both decided it was what we wanted i would want to sit down and talk to her about it. with her i wouldn't want sex to just be something that we would do because it felt good, i would want it to have meaning; i would want it to be a way to grow closer together. right now i think it would make things more complicated, and possibly drive us apart. the frustrating thing is that we are both afraid to be sexual with one another for fear that the urge to take it further will arise.
i was so frustrated when i slept in my dorm the other night. i woke up so many times and wanted her to be there. for some reason i was able to sleep well next to her this past weekend. i feel like such a damn idiot. is it wrong of me to want to be with her, next to her. she says she doesn't want to read this. i don't know if i want her to. but we need to at least talk about some of these things, otherwise they are just going to keep building in my mind and eventually i won't be able to handle it anymore. even just sitting down and talking about some of these things would help.
there are more things that have frustrated me lately. some of them i have talked to her about, others i am sure will happen again and i will say something. i need to stop hiding.

update2 (goal: to satisfy)

ok everyone can now thank dylan for this wonderful post you are about to read. personally i was fonder of the last one. he posted questions in my comment area for the last posting... i plan on answering those for him... thanks dylan. :P

1) Class Schedule/List of Courses:

Local, State, and Federal Government

Theology

British Literature

Micro-Economics

College 101

Psychology

2) Likes:

Honestly I think I am going to like almost all of my classes

So far... I like all of my professors

I love the campus

There are a lot of very nice people

....really too many to list

3) Dislikes:

I did not like orientation

I do not like the internet service

I don't like that I'm not in a bubbly outgoing mood right now

I don't like how I'm letting things bother me, and then focusing on them instead of school

4) Dorm:

The dorms are big... at least compared to other college's

I have wireless internet in my dorm because of my router ;)

I sleep on an upper bunk

There's Mountain Dew in the fridge

Room temp. is set at 67-68 degrees

It has carpet...

(not sure what dylan wanted with this question... good enough?)

5) Roommate

I have one roommate

His name is Andrew

He is from a town in Wisconsin about 1 hour from campus

So far so good

6) Misc. (just to make sure dylan is satisfied)

I have an on-campus job at the Warrior Brewhaus

I had homework my first day of class

I took 3 pages of notes yesterday

Books are expensive

...And I'm done

Goodbye

update

-to start off id like to curse the people who expect me to update this regularly :P
-just kidding
-well to update those of you who do not know i am at college now... classes started on monday. it has been interesting. im looking forward to almost all of my classes. i have homework :(
-i know school is starting for many of you... good luck... and enjoy your senior year!!!

i have run out of things to say... im not in an inspirational, nice writing mood right now...
-i have been listening to different music lately, somehow an additional 200-300 songs were added to my laptop... :) so i'll post clips from some of the songs i have been listening to...

I don't wanna be alone

Just waiting by the phone

I can't stand another night on my own

With a new day rising, realizing....

-
don't wanna make you hurt

don't wanna make you feel

like the world ain't on your side

like you're never gonna get it right

no i can't fight i can't sleep at night

just thinking about you girl

i'm a fool for you

yes i am

-

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know

-

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

It's easier to run

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made)

It's easier to go

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

-

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight

-

So long sweet summerI stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays

So long sweet summerI fell into you

Now you’re gracefully falling away

-

We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time

If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds

So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time

-

Wishful thinking

Patience shrinking, bliss is far away

North is calling

Now I'm falling, at your feet please stay

-

All the heartache, all the pain,

All the words you said in vain, And I'll never be the same.

P.S I love you, forever and today.

Forever and Today

Forever and Today

P.S I love you, forever and today

-

Cause she's bittersweet

She knocks me off of my feet

And I can't help myself

I don't want anyone else

She's a mystery

She's too much for me

But I keep coming back for more

She's just the girl I'm looking for

-

sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile

the precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah

they’re swept away and nothing is what is seems

the feeling of belonging to your dreams

listen to your heart

-

Maybe I've been the problem

Maybe I'm the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself

The outcome feels the same

When I look at the stars

The stars, I feel like myself

-

Life is very short, and there's no time

For fussing and fighting, my friend.

I have always thought that it's a crime,

So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.

While you see it your way

There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long.

We can work it out,

We can work it out.

-

These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

-

-its a lot... i know... but there ya go... now ive posted... maybe ill come up with something a little more original next time...

-till next time... goodday!

Daily Journal 8/16/05

...somehow i think i've run outta clever lines for my daily log openings... therefore without further ado... i present to you... once again... my day in a nutshell. :) smile its not that bad.

11:00am - wake... on my own again... yes i know im pathetic... at least my morning isn't boring
12:20pm - brother drives me around town... little dukes... post office... library... k-mart... still no car
1:00pm - begin organization of college junk... daunting task... many breaks
(once again afternoon gets fuzzy... sorry)
4:00pm - mother calls... get car back... do a little dance
4:20pm - stop by cellular one... pay bill... yuck... change coverage plan
5:30pm - eat supper... father cooked... yum... fish... corn on the cob... interesting combo
6:30pm - once again organize college junk... listen to music... loud
8:00pm - go biking with friends... bike trail... many miles... sore
9:45pm - begin reading... lost cause... too many pages
10:45pm - heidi calls... i reflect... time for bed
end of my eventful yet eventless day

Daily Journal 8/15/05

...i know what your thinking... here he goes again, another posting about his daily activities... how boring. i can only respond to that with these three words: to darn bad.

10:10am - wake up... on my own again... decide i need to shower
10:40am - father comes home from work... talk
11:00am - begin transferring music files... slightly tedious
12:04pm - the prodigal brother returns from work...
(cannot remember what i did with my life in the early afternoon... probably involved a television or computer)
2:13pm - leave for dentist appointment... in sleepy eye... need gas... yep... late
4:00pm - exit sleepy eye... no cavities... clean teeth... gagged once
5:00pm - eat at mexican restaurant... taco... chalupa... burrito...
6:20pm - mother calls... car's broken... wants mine... i cave... brother has become my chauffer
7:00pm - watch volleyball games... massacre... its sad
7:40pm - travel to dairy queen... talk with many friends... brother shoots spitballs
9:00pm - go home... talk to father about big date... begin watching movie with brother
10:00pm - heidi calls... i miss her... can't wait to see her again soon
(if your reading this sweetie.... i love you)
10:35pm - go back to watching movie
end of my eventful yet eventless day

Daily Journal 8/14/05

...for those of you who have just tuned in i welcome you to the fabulously boring log of my daily activities. the saga continues with day number three...

10:00am - wake up... on my own mind you... throw on some clothes... thats a good thing... trust me...
10:10am - begin reading of sunday paper... this consists of ads and comics... what more is there
11:30am - head off to mankato with father... stop at burger king on way... feel sick
12:05pm - arrive in mankato... deja vu feeling... shop
3:00pm - watch vikings at training camp... say goodbye... packer fan now... maybe
4:10pm - stop at mankato kwik trip... get 1 liter mountain dew... drink
4:45pm - feel slightly sick... probably the dew... caffeine buzz though
- back in new ulm... yay... begin washing of new clothing articles
5:30pm - eat some beef stew... dad made... well he opened the can at least
7:00pm - brother, i, and dog venture to see mom... talk for a bit... leave
8:00pm - head to cash wise... pick up some dvd's
9:00pm - friend comes over... brother, friend, and i talk... interesting conversation
9:30pm - heidi calls... we talk for 50 minutes... no need to say much more... i love her
10:55pm - play a game of star wars life... i lose
end of my eventful yet eventless day

Daily Journal 8/13/05

...and the continuing saga that is my life continues.

8:00am - brother comes into my room to wake me up... he showers... i continue sleeping
8:10am - brother yells up stairs
8:15am - i get outta bed
8:20am - brother and i journey to mankato with his friend... listen to maxim on satellite radio
(morning involves shopping... buying college junk... brother picks up more girly posters)
12:30pm - eat lunch at subway... chicken pizziola... yummm... miss the food already
1pm - head back to new ulm... yay
1:40pm - hit the couch... grab the remote...
3:30pm - fall asleep... epiphany happens... im lazy... and bored
5:45pm - heat up some left over pizza... eat... watch tv
7:00pm - leave the house... put gas in car... go back to house
9:30pm - have intellectual conversation with dad... longest conversation all summer
11:20pm - begin reading... a book... from the library
12:01am - take a shower... smell clean... feel refreshed
end of my eventful yet eventless day

Daily Journal 8/12/05

ok... so here's the story: people are complaining because i haven't posted in awhile... sorry... however i haven't had any profound things of which to write. in order to pacify the needs of these people, and to conquer the boredom that has become my life this week, i have decided to begin posting daily entries in the form of an online journal... aka... my day in a nutshell. these posting will most likely bore you... consider yourself warned... they shall however stop the comments about whether i still maintain residence at this site :P ...enjoy my ramblings!!! :D

8:30am - awake to brother coming into room... he wants me to get up... i yell
10:30am - awake on my own
- begin 'lounging' around house with brother and watch tv
11:50am - help brother rearrange bedroom during tv commercials
1:45pm - heidi calls... we talk... i am happy
2:00pm - make pasta alfredo while brother grills burgers... eat lunch
(afternoon gets fuzzy... but consists mainly of tv, lounging, talking)
5:00pm - domino's pizza delivery guy pulls in yard... explain that dog won't bite... eat pizza
7:00pm - go to fair with dog and brother... brother tries to pick up girls... doesn't work
9:00pm - go to subway... call college roommate... i am bringing the phone... accused of sabotage
9:50pm - heidi calls... we talk... highlight of my day... im missing her
10:20pm - call sarah... she doesn't answer
10:40pm- sarah calls... we talk... she's not in town
11:00pm - sara calls... she comes with boyfriend... we hang out for 15 minutes... they leave
end of my eventful yet eventless day

Only You

i really don't know how this is gonna turn out. i want to try to express my feelings in words, but i don't think a poem is gonna work anymore tonight... so i must settle for whatever comes.
it seems ever more and more i fall. deeper and deeper. but you see this isn't a bad fall, it isn't a fall to peril, it isn't a down fall. im falling not literally, but figuratively. im falling more and more for you every day.
i try so hard to be there for you. to stay by your side. but there is always a part of me that feels like im failing. i worry that the fear will never go away. it seems that a part of me is constantly fearful of losing you.
regret. i know i hurt you at times. i know there will be more times to come. even if it is just little things that don't seem to mean much. i dwell on them, its part of the fear.
my love. i wish there was some way that i could rightfully express just how much you mean to me. but in my mind everything falls short. you are the only person ive ever loved like this. only you.
forever. i remember what i told you last night. im sorry if i scared you. i wasn't looking for a response. but when i look at you i see someone that i could spend the rest of my life with. i see someone who i care and love for with all of my heart. i see someone who has ambition, heart, and compassion. i see someone who will persist and shine in whatever career she chooses. i see a great mom. i see someone who makes me laugh, someone who's made me cry. i see someone who has taught me a lot about life and growing up. i see someone who has taught me what love truly means. i see someone with whom i am happy. i see you heidi and i wouldn't want it any other way. only you.

Music Embedding

The ONE Campaign

I am sure if you have been watching the news lately you have heard of the live 8 concerts. There were 10 concerts on various continents featuring the world's most popular bands. The concerts were free and were broadcast to over 80% of the worlds population. There were over 1 million spectators, and 2 billion viewers with the potential to witness this event. The artists and performers didn't ask for money, they just wanted your voice.
If you haven't done so yet, you can add your voice as well. In just a few days the presidents of some of the world's most influential nations will meet for the G8 Summit. Your voice is a cry for the leaders of these nations to put together $25 billion towards poverty relief in Africa.
Every day over 30,000 children die from poverty. To help the cause and get the 8 leaders to help make poverty history you can visit live8live.com and sign the live 8 list. By visiting the ONE Campaigns website at one.org you can help sign a letter to President Bush to show that the people of the United States care about the poverty situation in Africa.
I encourage you to help take up this cause.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Curt

a forced posting ;)

okay... so here is the post some of you were waiting for.... and i have nothing. seriously, i am lying here with nothing to write.

Sam: hope your enjoying the rascal flatts cd. it took me long enough to get it too you, hope it is worth it.

Heidi: i miss you already and its only been two days. don't even want to think about what it will be like after two weeks. i've found a way to talk to you though, kinda. i've started writing you letters, you can read them when we both get back if you want. its a silly idea, but it helps me. there are many times i wish i could talk to you about things that happen during the day, and writing them all down is my way of talking to you when your not there. they are probably boring, and will be outdated by the time you read them. oh... and ill be gone from subway next week too, so i wont be able to watch your cleaning jobs and scrub the oven before you get back. we'll just have to see how Subway holds out with both of us wonderful employees gone :)

well there you have it... i have nothing left. i am slightly tired from playing soccer all day long. i was gone over 12 hours today in fairmont. so... without further ado... goodnight. :D

AHHHH!!!!!

ok... this is my only way to release my frustration. writing. i want to talk to heidi right now... but she is working in belview. i am so frustrated, bothered about things. last night at work was hell. i was there until 11:30 alone. courtland left at 10:20. productivity was over 11. i worked over 9.5 hours again, double shift. we were still selling 20-30 sandwiches an hour up until 10 o-clock. and scoop was busy, it made over $130 throughout the day, most of it after 6pm. :( on top of that i was working for heidi so she could rub herself all over guys in the cities... it bothered me, i can't believe she doesn't realize that it isn't a very appropriate thing to do, especially if your boyfriend is at home working for you at the time, she knew it bothered me, but she didn't care. dan was upset with sarah about it, but i didn't want to get in an argument with heidi. i figured i would let it go, i don't need her hating me for not letting her go and blaming the regret later on me. even more everyone else seems to agree with me. courtland said he would have been upset, josh said he wouldn't have let her go. but i did. dancing in a club like that isn't like normal dancing. every guy she rubbed on was turned on, im sure she could feel that, and then it becomes a sexual experience. id say oh well. its over now. but it isn't. then as i was leaving subway i dropped my cd player, don't think i can fix it. that seemed to top things off, kinda like adding a cherry to the top of a sundae. what a crappy night though. then i get home and realize i have to be up at 7 to go to sherburn for a soccer tournament. we played 4 games... thats 4 hours of soccer. im pooped. and burnt. oh... and the kicker... i was supposed to get my laptop from best buy today... but its not in. they don't have it. and they don't know how long it will be. i was pissed. my dad is mad at me for a multitude of things i think. and jason is back. i hate myself for letting the clubbing thing bother me so much, and im sure ill fake that it didn't matter when i see her. there is no point in arguing over something that has already happened. though i want to tell her how much she hurt me by going, how much it bothered me. i couldn't fall asleep last night. i just kept thinking about all of the things that have been bothering me lately. i just wish she was always honest with me, and would at least think about how her actions are going to affect me. i would never treat her like that, or do some of the things she does without thinking about how inappropriate it is when you have a boyfriend. i know she hid something from me the other day/week. i don't know if ill ever be able to trust her. i don't think she would ever go so far as to completely cheat on me, but i don't think she realizes how much some of the things she does hurts me, ahhh... this is so stupid. maybe im naive. i have a problem with letting things go... all of the little things that i don't mention, and all of the big things that i do all seem to pile up. and that pile just gets higher and higher. each new thing reminds me of an old one... to the point when im bothered by all of the little things and can't shake it off. i just want to see her right now, even just talking to her would help. the only thing i have to look forward to now is that i don't work on monday. ooohhh... ya, but tomorrow night i get to close with michelle as my 10 o-clock person. pat wants me to have a bonfire party on monday night, so i said sure. don't know how many people will come, or how great it will be. oh well. just something more to worry about.

difference

it was nice going to mankato with heidi today, even if i didn't get my laptop right away. we've been hanging out and doing things we never really did before. its like we're together more. we talk more. about lots of different things. after reading her letters i realized that i didn't want her to think that i wanted this relationship for some of the reasons she suspected. i want her to know that i enjoy spending time with her, and we don't always have to be alone. i don't know if that still scares her. i also don't know if she thinks we are moving fast again. i guess i've tried slowing that down again now. i just want her to know that i am serious about our relationship, i want it to be more than just making out. i want to be there for her as a friend, as someone she can talk to. i want her to be someone i can talk to. and i think we are getting there. i realize things still may not be perfect, and i guess i really don't know how she feels, but i know that things are different. somethings have changed. i plan on making sure i don't lose her again, i love her, and i want her to know that i care about her as a person. i respect her, i appreciate her personality, and i enjoy listening to her, watching her do things. i want to be with her. and i want to make sure she knows that.

'moment of the day'

the hurt is washed away
still here i am
in the middle of it all
with heavy hands
and i try so hard
just to leave behind me
all the chains that bind me

i wont back down
wont turn my head around
quick, take a recess
who's, taking another breath
guess who, whose you, better take another clue
find out all about, just dont doubt
just dont doubt

And i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, yeah
and i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, alright

While Others Are...

* thought this was neat

Believe while others are doubting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting.

beautiful day

part of me is confused again. the reasons she wrote in the letter were different from everything she told me. i wish i would have known how she felt earlier. i realize it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but i still could have worked on some of it. i never realized she thought i was immature, i always wanted her to know that i wanted a serious relationship. i wanted her to feel that she could come to me with problems, that she could talk to me. she wrote that once she got to know me i was different than the person she thought i was. but what i can't figure out is what has changed now that she would want to be with me. i hate that she thought i wanted the relationship just because i thought she was 'hot' and i wanted a make-out partner. i guess i've never told her how i felt about that aspect of the relationship. i was always afraid it would scare her, i kinda scares me still. but truth is she is someone i can see myself with. i wouldn't be in the relationship if that wasn't true. no matter what she believes im not with her just because i want someone to hold, someone to kiss. i am with her because i can see a possible future with her. after reading her letter i am scared that we are together again only because she thought i would be fun to be with over the summer. i am afraid that she still cannot see herself with me, but wants to have 'fun' over the summer. thats not why i am with her. when i look at her i don't think 'man she's hot i want to bang her'. (really didn't know how else to put that). when i look at her i am thinking she is beautiful, and i am lucky to be with her. but not just because of her looks. its not degrading. she is beautiful in more than one way, even though she would never admit it. she's funny, she's smart, there is just something about her that makes her amazing. i wish she would know that. when i look back at how i felt when i lost her i can't help but realize how much i care for her. im glad things are different now, i hope that we are more than just a 'lets have a good time couple'. i've started rambling again. im sure there is more i could write, but i really don't remember everything else i have written. so in order to not repeat myself ten million times i will wrap this one up. i think however, i have come to realize that this type of writing is good for me. it will be interesting to look back at some of these later. i've also realized that i don't always have to post them for everyone to read.

future

i really should get to work. my nap took longer than i was expecting. i can't believe i actually fell asleep. part of me is excited. i cannot help but think of the future. of college. i don't really want to go the cities. i really don't want to lose heidi again. i lost her once, and that was hard enough. losing her again... especially for reasons not in our control will be just as hard if not harder. we've already talked about how hard it will be to not see each other for two weeks. we wouldn't see each other at all if we went to college at different schools. just like i can't tell her how much i love her right now, i also can't bring myself to tell her how much i want to be with her, to stay with her. its wierd. i realize i am still young. but i really cannot see myself with anyone else. but thats just me. i doubt she feels the same way. i applied to wlc today. if i am accepted i want to talk to her about it. if she wants me to come with her i will. i want to. but i will leave that decision up to her. maybe she just views our relationship as a fling and will want to start over at college. i hope not. i just don't want to lose her again. im hoping i am accepted. i am hoping she will say yes.

Dare to...

Ask For What You Want.
Believe in Yourself.
Change Your Mind.
Do What You Love.
Enjoy Each And Every Day.
Follow Your Heart's Desire.
Give More Than You Receive.
Have a Sense of Humor.
Insist On Being Yourself.
Join In More.
Kiss and Make up.
Love and Be Loved.
Make New Friends.
Nurture Your Spirit.
Overcome Adversity.
Play More.
Question Conformity.
Reach for the Stars.
Speak Your Truth.
Take Personal Responsibility.
Understand More, Judge Less.
Volunteer Your Time.
Walk Through Fear.
X-perience The Moment.
Yearn for Grace.
be Zany.

hey there

i know i haven't posted in awhile. but im not as bad as some of you. at least i didn't go a month without posting. (ahem... kaia). and it isn't that i haven't written. ive written a lot last night and this morning. i just didn't want to post them. there are some things that i write that i dont' feel i need to share with everyone... they are meant for myself, or are an escape for myself... and one other person. whether i will show them to her im not sure yet. i don't usually see her writing. most everything with meaning that i wanted to say i have already written elsewhere. but i hope everyone is enjoying their summer breaks now. it is already over a 1/12 over. sorry if that depresses some of you :P ...anyway, goodmornin' and goodbye

hurt, happening again

i don't know why i am so hurt by it. i guess i shouldn't be. it was her choice. but i can't help the way i feel. she looked so tired last night. it was midnight. she didn't want to hang out with me, she wanted to go to sleep. she told me she was going to sleep. i would have loved to hang out or be with her, but she wanted to sleep so i walked her up to her apartment. why the hell did she stay up for another two and a half hours hanging out with other people. i don't know why it hurts. but if she was too tired to hang out with me, why wasn't she too tired to hang out with them. its her choice. maybe i am more hurt that she chose them over me, but the situation is different. she wanted me to leave her alone so she could go to bed. but why did she stay up so much longe. maybe it is bothering me more because i know i won't see her for a couple days now. i don't want her to leave for belview and echo like this. i just don't understand sometimes. i was at home last night, thinking and writing about the past two weeks... how much i cared about her. like i told myself in the last entry, i don't think she feels even close to how i feel about her. and if she does... she hides it well. i wanted to see her this morning. thats why i called. she said she wouldn't have to leave until twelve. that she wanted to see me too. i guess she changed her mind on that as well. i won't let this become bigger than it is. not unless she does. we've been doing so well. im not ready for a down. i don't want a down. i want to be with her... right now.
....ok... addition onto draft.... i called her and got to see her, and seeing her made me feel somewhat better :)

changes

the last two weeks have been amazing. somehow they have remained amazing even while working as much as i am. something is different. our relationship is different, but i can't tell what it is. we've been happy. and while we have had downs, like heidi's tonight... it isn't because we weren't communicating, or because we had a down in our relationship. its been an amazing two weeks. i hope it continues.... i have faith it will continue. seeing her down tonight, thinking about the friends she misses... it made me sad. it has been great seeing her happy lately. i never wanted it to end. but i knew it had too eventually... if only for a few minutes, or a day. everyone experiences that... at the end of last summer i had a very hard time parting with some of my friends. i haven't had the chance to sit back and relax yet this summer, but i've enjoyed wasting time with heidi. i don't like calling it that, because even though we aren't doing anything sometimes, it isn't a waste of time when i am with her. its time well spent. time i wouldn't want to spend any other way. she wrote that she doesn't know if i am always enjoying myself... and its weird... because looking back i cannot think of a time i spent with her that i would want to give up. she also wrote that she feels like she has power over me sometimes... while she definitely has an influence over some of my actions i don't want her to think that she is making me do things i wouldn't want to do. if something would bother me i'd tell her. i don't like that my friends think the way they do... it isn't because of her that i do some of the things i do. i would love for her to hang out with my friends and i, but it seems that there would never be a time where that would work out for her, my friends, and myself. i wish that heidi and i would have one or two days off together. it would be a nice break, a vacation from work. i still wish we could just get away somewhere together... if even for one or two days. tonight reminded me again that i never got to know any of her friends. everytime she did something with them i was never there. i've taken her with when my friends and i have gotten together. she knows most of them now. i have so many random thoughts floating through my head. but the funny thing is that the thoughts aren't bad, none of them are negative. there are some very good ones that i really couldn't post. but i don't think i am going to post this one anyway. there is really only one thing that bothers me right now... something i am unsure of. there are so many times when heidi and i are together and i want to tell her how much i care about her, how amazing i think our time together is, how much i love her. its hard, because i am unsure if i should tell her. even though we are together again i don't think she feels the same way. i still wonder if she ever really did. everyday i read what she put on my phone at work that time. 'i love curtis'. it reminds me that some things have changed. i love her. i want to tell her that. but i don't want to complicate anything, i don't want to tell her and not have her say anything back. even more i don't want to tell her and have her say it, but be unsure of herself. i thought back to that day at her grandparents house. we were lying on the couch. she could tell i wanted to say something. she always has been good at that. and she asked me what. i replied by telling her that i thought i was falling in love with her. truth was i had already fallen. she then told me she loved me. that she had never been so sure, never felt it so soon. it was one of the most amazing days of my life. during the time we weren't together there were times i would wonder what had changed. i seem to be babbling now, i guess im afraid to tell her now. things seem so great. she wrote that she wanted everything to be real. i guess by not telling her how much i feel for her i am being fake... but i think she knows. my love is real. its only a few weeks away until i go down to visit dan in omaha. only a couple weeks until heidi goes to camp. those two weeks will be hard, very hard. but like i told her tonight, we'll just have to makeout a lot the night before she leaves. that way i will have her germs for the two weeks we won't see each other. :P i have a feeling this will be one posting or draft that looking back on will make me smile, laugh. it is so random. and it seems to go on and on. but thats ok. or yokay as she would say it. wow. i think i need to go to sleep sometime soon. its almost one now. i am not looking forward to doing deposits and closing at work tomorrow. it sucks that heidi will be up in belview and echo this weekend... and most other weekends over the summer. my foot just fell asleep. and it is very tingly. i look forward to spending the summer with heidi, an amazing waste of time ;) i guess there is one other thing that is bothering me, something that i have been trying to push to the back of my mind: college. i don't want to lose her again. but i want to focus on our time now, not worry about what the future may bring. ~goodnight.... yep pretty sure it would be goodmorning now.

word of God speak

* no need for more words than this:

'I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay '

'jesus said, "i am the way, the truth, and the life. no one gets to the father except through me."' -john 14:6

oops

definitely got blue paint on some of the keys on the keyboard :P ... oops

reply to you heidi

damnit. this is why i should keep all of my feelings to myself. or write where nobody can see. i wrote that they shouldn't be read deeply. nobody's being accused. there is just something i have to find out. there is nothing to feel guilty about. i hate myself for this. 'don't make assumptions'. i have been again. and you did with my words. im sorry. there are some things we need to talk about. but i can't help thinking back to what kim told me last night. she mentioned that when you came in to talk to her she told you something. she told you that through it all i would still be your friend, for id rather have you as a friend than lose you completely. shes right. nobody is accusing you. there are no rumors. the drama isnt there, it was just writing. we'll talk. my writing came when i was frustrated, angry for many reasons; not being able to sleep was a big one. and then lying in bed thinking just made everything pile up. im sorry. even though i may write it sometimes i could never not see you again. that would be unbearable. i still love you. you havent done anything wrong. i love you.

frustrated

this is so fuckin stupid. i woke up at 4:30 this morning. i couldnt fall back asleep. i laid in bed for over an hour and a half tearing myself open. by the end, by now i just wish i wasnt here. itd be easier. i hate this. i hate feeling like this. why dont i just give up. i dont have to put myself through this. why do i care so much. why cant i say its over. i cant take anymore. i dont want to see you ever again. why cant i walk out. walk away. leave everything behind. then again, maybe everything i am thinking is wrong. maybe they were wrong. i need to know. this is killing me.

*once again: don't read too deeply into this, i just needed to write. i have to keep it vague for numerous reasons. some of the things written are written out of frustration, anger, disbelief, confusion. i just need to sort it through, talk to the person i need to talk to. i dont want to walk away.

conflicted

im hurting again, im confused, im questioning, im conflicted. could it be the reason. is everything a lie. i dont understand. im lost. if its true then everything changes. its a possibility i never thought of. maybe the person is wrong. its only their opinion. they could be wrong. i choose not to believe. but can i trust again. have i ever believed. am i just a pawn. is this a game. am i being used. i need to talk. i need explanations. i need honesty. if its true. its over. if its true. goodbye. thinking too much. why do i listen to other people. why everything.

*everyone: try not to read too deeply into it... i just needed to write

nothing profound (cont.)

ok... so technically its a new day as its well after midnight; however, i am calling it a continuation of the posting before it for that day. don't know if that makes sense. i am running on very little sleep. im slightly tuckered out. kinda thinkin i should be in bed... oh well. i really didn't have to worry about not having stuff to do today... i did. i hung out with my friend from omaha (dan) most of the day... i learned how to solve, and solved a rubics cube... go me! i got to eat a very nice prime rib dinner at george's steaks with him and his family... very yummy. hung out for awhile, then went to a party... got lost on the way to lafayette, don't laugh, and yes i was driving... but in my defense he doesn't know how to use a map. (by the way we're really not that bad with directions, its a complicated story) then we hung out at the hotel for awhile. i am now at home for the fifth straight day in a row a day later than when i left. (that means i was out till after midnight for those of you who have trouble with things like that :P) .......ok.... i have now realized that i am babbling, lets blame it on the lack of sleep and say goodnight.... goodnight :)

nothing profound

this is a warning: this posting won't be profound. i really don't have anything i want to express in writing today. these are just a few thoughts i figured i would share.
1. i graduated... yay!!!! no more high school!!!! a lot less stress. i am so happy summer is here. this is my season... and i plan on living like it. i realize i will be working a lot, but when my butt isn't at subway i want to be having fun. :P
2. last night was fun. the commencement was boring, but afterwards was fun. i enjoyed the bonfire at luke's.
3. it is great seeing dan up here again, it sucks that i only see him once or twice a year. though i suppose thats how its going to be with almost everyone after summer is over.
4. last night i had some very strange dreams. don't know what they mean. normally i can't remember my dreams, but last night i had a lot of them, and i was able to remember some of them. in one dream i remember finding holes in all of my clothes and thinking that a mouse must have done it. i asked my dad for all new clothes. they were all random like that. there was one dream i had that bothered me, i don't want to explain it on here, but it was remembering back and trying to figure something out. didn't work. i did have one very good dream. i don't know why i had it tonight. it was a replay of a moment about 4 months ago. i don't need to put it on here, but heidi if your reading this you can ask me about it. :)
5. i have done enough laundry over the past two days to meet my obligation for the month.
6. there are some graduation parties i could go to today, but i really don't feel like it. im not really close to any of them, maybe ill just go to my closest friends... besides i don't want to get fat off of the food and cake. ;)
7. my brother put a copy of the sports illustrated swimsuit edition in the bathroom upstairs... nice :P (j/k... i think that it is exploitive of women, despicable, and degrading... :P)
8. today is my only day off in over two weeks starting tomorrow, but i have nothing going on... looks like ill have to entertain myself, or clean the house.
9. hopefully with money from graduation, and one or two more paychecks i can buy my laptop... im excited.
10. thats about it for now, maybe something more profound will come next posting.... or not. hopefully everyone is having a good weekend, and for those of you who still have school tuesday and wednesday i hope final study is going swell :P
*goodday

'this is a call'

a friend of mine had me listen to this song one day at school. at first i didn't pay much attention to it, but now i find that its hard to stop listening to it. anyway i was planning on posting just some of the lyrics, but realized people may find meaning in other parts as well. :P

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

CHORUS
She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous

CHORUS
He's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone

CHORUS
I'm calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

P.S. the song is by thousand foot krutch... a band i will be seeing this summer! they have another more rockish song entitled 'rawkfist'. if you want to listen to some of their songs they have a media player on their website at thousandfootkrutch.com.
P.P.S. by the time i finish typing this it will be after midnight on wednesday... i have entered the last day of my high school career. i would let out a loud cheerful battle cry, but my family happens to be sleeping. with that i am going to bed... goodnight :P

New Philosophy:

Everyone seems down lately... so many relationships are ending, school has been stressful and full of drama, and everyone has there own problems. But instead of sitting here and dwelling on the bad anymore I plan on focusing on my new philosophy. Just because I plan on focusing on my new philosophy doesn't mean that everything will go away, but I realized that sitting here doesn't change anything. Here is my new philosophy, hopefully you will join me!:

NEW PHILOSOPHY

* Enjoy Life
* Screw Drama
* Be Who You Are
* Do What You Want
* HAVE FUN :P

P.S. I have realized that not everyone agrees with the above philosophy. I challenge them to come up with something better. But if it works for me then... YAY :P

hoping

i wanted to text her last night. i wanted to tell her what i was feeling. i didn't. i guess i really don't know why. i don't think it would have meant anything to her anymore. i don't think she has the same feelings i do. when i lie in bed at night i wish she was there next to me. when i want to talk to someone i wish it was her i could turn to. i've never needed someone like this before. i was always so independent. why now. why can't i let go. its because i don't want to. i want to hold on to a hope that we will be together again. its because she's special, its because i want to be with her. im afraid that my feelings are making this hard on her. im sorry. but this is the only way i know how to express myself now. i would talk to her if i could, hold her; but im afraid that it would hurt her even more to see me cry. so i hold back.

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away. And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today. Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right. And though I can't be with you tonight. Know my heart is by your side.'

'I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand. If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am. Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?'

i've had that song in my head today, heard it on the radio yesterday. i really don't like it much. but the words seem to fit with the thoughts that i have. why do i still want to be with her... tonight... and always. i guess i know why.

'the dance'

it is now early in the morning, i have gone yet another night without sleep. this time; however, i have a legitimate excuse. i have come to realize that writing has become an escape, a way for me to sort out my thoughts. it seems that over the past week my mind has never stopped thinking. it doesn't matter what im doing, i constantly have thoughts in the back of my mind. fleeting thoughts that only writing can sort through. for some reason i am able to write what i am unable to speak, what i am unable to organize in my mind. the words seem to flow without effort, i know this because they come from the heart. i've been writing a lot, i wish i had access to a computer 24/7, i find it easier to type than to write. maybe its a good thing that i write before posting. sometimes there are writings that would only cause more pain, more hurt. i have to constantly remind myself not to be selfish. i have to remind myself that she needs the time to be alone. time for herself. time away from me. i wonder if it wouldn't be better if i wasn't a part of her life at all, if she would be happier if i was gone. but i made a promise, i promised i would be there for her, that i would be a friend. its hard though. its hard living in agony because you aren't with the person you love. its hard knowing there is nothing you can do. its hard kissing her, but knowing that it means nothing to her. its hard not knowing if you mean anything to the person you love. its hard hearing her talk about things, wondering what she is doing; knowing that you are not a part of it. at the relay tonight, this morning, we heard so many stories about people who lost loved ones. they talked about how unexpected, how young some of the people they lost were. it reminded me again of how unpredictable life is, how sudden you can lose someone close to you. i felt the pain inside again. its so hard to explain. even though i still see her, it feels like i've lost her. it feels like shes died. thats the only way i know how to explain how i feel sometimes. i miss her. i want to hold her, and when i do hold her i wish it could last forever. the waiting is hard, not because i won't allow myself to be with anyone else, but because i am not with her. id be willing to trade anything to be with her, for her to be apart of my life once again. i hate not being in control of my life, but this is one thing that i have no control over. i have to allow her to make that decision herself. i've known she meant a lot to me, that i cared for her, that i loved her. i just never realized until this week that she meant the world to me, that i adored her, that i loved her so deeply. i love her, its really that simple, and ill wait for her.

'Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance'

alone

i've started praying again. its been so long. every night before bed, and many times throughout the day, its always the same thing. i pray for her peace, i pray for her happiness. i pray she will eventually find her way back to me.

missing her

i've managed to build a wall again. this wall is different though. i used to be able to suppress emotions so that i wouldn't feel them, nor would others notice. instead now the wall is only on the outside, its more a mask really. while others believe i am better today than yesterday, i know the truth. im not able to hide from myself. if everyone wants to see me smile, ill smile. maybe that helps them somehow. what they don't realize is that on the inside i am lost. i am exhausted from hiding and faking every emotion throughout the day. i've lost the person i love most in my life, how can people expect the pain to vanish in a day. i have no desire to love anyone else, i don't think im capable of it now. there is one thing i am sure of, i will never be able to love completely. if in the end i find this to be permanent, i know i would not be able to give my whole heart to someone again. a piece of it will always belong to her.

still fading...

i've heard everything, been hugged by everyone, cried in front of many, but nothing seems to help. people don't understand, they say im stronger than this, they don't really know me. truth is im not as strong and confident as they seem to believe, its a front, a wall that i've learned to build to mask my emotions, hide the hurt; something i learned to do as a child. that wall has finally crumbled and i've been left exposed. its hard, people asking questions all day, not wanting to answer for fear of breaking down. im scaring people, i can hear the whispers, they're afraid im going to hurt myself.

people try to convince me that she isn't worth it, that she isn't worth the pain i am going through now. to that i say fuck all of you. she's worth it, to me she is worth everything, everything and anything. i love her, even if everything else in my life fades away that will forever remain. i want her to be happy, more than i want myself to be happy. if she would be happier without me, or needs to take time to try and find herself, then i will have to learn to let her do that. i want her to be happy, and she is absolutely worth the pain i will have in my life if it helps her reach a point where she can love herself.