what's wrong?

she's begun comparing what i am thinking about now to how she felt earlier in our relationship. she said the doubt would not go away, but would only get worse. she said my trust in her wouldn't be there, and that i wouldn't want the relationship. we talked through some of that. i told her it wasn't doubt about what we had, but the ups and downs we've had since college started that bothered me. i'm not questioning my feelings for her, that hasn't changed. i told her that my mind is telling me that all of the changes, the new environment, and the way we've been acting towards one another won't allow us to work. that doesn't mean that i don't want it to. i want it to work. that is what my heart tells me.
she knows something is still wrong. she calls me on it a lot. i told her i don't really know what it is, but its probably a bunch of little things. i am typing this to try to organize my thoughts into something i can talk to her about. she deserves to know what i am thinking. i hate hurting her, which is what i think i am doing now. she keeps saying that she isn't even analyzing or processing things right now. i don't know whether any of this is really bothering her or not, but either way it is bothering me; so if for no other reason i would like to try to sort this out for myself. i don't know how to explain what i am feeling or thinking. after i act like i do, after i dwell on the thoughts that come to mind i can't help but hate myself for it. i'm afraid a lot of the time that if i tell her what i am thinking that she'll get upset at my making an issue out of something to her that seems stupid. a lot of it comes back to the fear of losing her again. not a day goes by still to this day that i do not wonder if she wants to end our relationship. it scares me that a lot of the things said, or the ways we're acting are similar to the time before our break. then again it could all just be in my head. i'll try to sort through some of the things that i have been thinking about.
i seem to get so frustrated lately, even over some of the seemingly smallest of things. it isn't that i am constantly mad at her, i just get annoyed or frustrated very easily. i don't know how to get back to the time when those little things didn't bother me as much. we talked about not talking last night. that has been bothering me. i was reminded of it tonight. i am used to her coming to me with problems or thoughts, and telling me about her day. but now she has other people that she talks to. and when we have been together neither of us have opened a conversation. i feel like i'm on a back burner, which i realize is an unfair assumption. but i can't help getting frustrated by not being the first person she comes to anymore.
she knows that i have been reading a previous post on here. i can't help it. the feelings that i feel now are similar to then, and it seems some of what i wrote can help explain some of this now. once again it seem like all of these little things are piling up, and i feel that eventually i won't be able to handle it anymore. i don't like not having the alone time like we always had. now it seems there is always other people around. its hard to have deeper conversations with others in the room. i don't like when i am in her room that i end up talking to beth more than her.
i hate how she doesn't tell me things right away, or she'll hide different aspects. i don't want her to be afraid to tell me things. it only makes it worse when i hear her tell someone else later or hear it from someone else. it makes me think that the reason she doesn't tell me some things is because she thinks that i would find it wrong. but by not telling me it only makes me lose trust in her bit by bit.
i don't like how when i am in her room and we are actually talking that she'll get up and go to her computer to message someone. i hate how she talks to people on there more than me when i am in the room. or more than me in general. i realize this is one of those issues that i shouldn't let bother me so much, but i can't help getting frustrated. it is just one of the smaller things that i add to some of the others, and then i can't help being bothered.
i hate how when i think about things now i can't help thinking about the past and some of the things that remind me of it.
part of me cannot help but be bothered by some of the conversations we have had recently. there are some things that are in the back of my mind a lot of the time when i think about things like i am now. it scares me that she isn't sure what she wants. it scares me that she told me she loved me over the summer. told me that she meant it, and that she was sure. i can remember the first time she said it again after we were together again from the break. i don't know what to think about that anymore. even if she says it again i won't know whether she means it. i thought she meant it before, but she proved me wrong; she proved herself wrong.
another thing we both struggled with this week was the issue of sex. it scared me, as it did her. i wanted it. i knew at the time it couldn’t happen, obviously; but it scared me how much i wanted it to. i will respect whatever she wants, and my values tell me that even if she would want us to i shouldn’t. but i am afraid that i wouldn’t say no. i know i wouldn’t say no. but there is no way i will pressure her into that, even if it ever were to come up that we both decided it was what we wanted i would want to sit down and talk to her about it. with her i wouldn't want sex to just be something that we would do because it felt good, i would want it to have meaning; i would want it to be a way to grow closer together. right now i think it would make things more complicated, and possibly drive us apart. the frustrating thing is that we are both afraid to be sexual with one another for fear that the urge to take it further will arise.
i was so frustrated when i slept in my dorm the other night. i woke up so many times and wanted her to be there. for some reason i was able to sleep well next to her this past weekend. i feel like such a damn idiot. is it wrong of me to want to be with her, next to her. she says she doesn't want to read this. i don't know if i want her to. but we need to at least talk about some of these things, otherwise they are just going to keep building in my mind and eventually i won't be able to handle it anymore. even just sitting down and talking about some of these things would help.
there are more things that have frustrated me lately. some of them i have talked to her about, others i am sure will happen again and i will say something. i need to stop hiding.