'the dance'

it is now early in the morning, i have gone yet another night without sleep. this time; however, i have a legitimate excuse. i have come to realize that writing has become an escape, a way for me to sort out my thoughts. it seems that over the past week my mind has never stopped thinking. it doesn't matter what im doing, i constantly have thoughts in the back of my mind. fleeting thoughts that only writing can sort through. for some reason i am able to write what i am unable to speak, what i am unable to organize in my mind. the words seem to flow without effort, i know this because they come from the heart. i've been writing a lot, i wish i had access to a computer 24/7, i find it easier to type than to write. maybe its a good thing that i write before posting. sometimes there are writings that would only cause more pain, more hurt. i have to constantly remind myself not to be selfish. i have to remind myself that she needs the time to be alone. time for herself. time away from me. i wonder if it wouldn't be better if i wasn't a part of her life at all, if she would be happier if i was gone. but i made a promise, i promised i would be there for her, that i would be a friend. its hard though. its hard living in agony because you aren't with the person you love. its hard knowing there is nothing you can do. its hard kissing her, but knowing that it means nothing to her. its hard not knowing if you mean anything to the person you love. its hard hearing her talk about things, wondering what she is doing; knowing that you are not a part of it. at the relay tonight, this morning, we heard so many stories about people who lost loved ones. they talked about how unexpected, how young some of the people they lost were. it reminded me again of how unpredictable life is, how sudden you can lose someone close to you. i felt the pain inside again. its so hard to explain. even though i still see her, it feels like i've lost her. it feels like shes died. thats the only way i know how to explain how i feel sometimes. i miss her. i want to hold her, and when i do hold her i wish it could last forever. the waiting is hard, not because i won't allow myself to be with anyone else, but because i am not with her. id be willing to trade anything to be with her, for her to be apart of my life once again. i hate not being in control of my life, but this is one thing that i have no control over. i have to allow her to make that decision herself. i've known she meant a lot to me, that i cared for her, that i loved her. i just never realized until this week that she meant the world to me, that i adored her, that i loved her so deeply. i love her, its really that simple, and ill wait for her.

'Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance'