missing her

i've managed to build a wall again. this wall is different though. i used to be able to suppress emotions so that i wouldn't feel them, nor would others notice. instead now the wall is only on the outside, its more a mask really. while others believe i am better today than yesterday, i know the truth. im not able to hide from myself. if everyone wants to see me smile, ill smile. maybe that helps them somehow. what they don't realize is that on the inside i am lost. i am exhausted from hiding and faking every emotion throughout the day. i've lost the person i love most in my life, how can people expect the pain to vanish in a day. i have no desire to love anyone else, i don't think im capable of it now. there is one thing i am sure of, i will never be able to love completely. if in the end i find this to be permanent, i know i would not be able to give my whole heart to someone again. a piece of it will always belong to her.