changes

the last two weeks have been amazing. somehow they have remained amazing even while working as much as i am. something is different. our relationship is different, but i can't tell what it is. we've been happy. and while we have had downs, like heidi's tonight... it isn't because we weren't communicating, or because we had a down in our relationship. its been an amazing two weeks. i hope it continues.... i have faith it will continue. seeing her down tonight, thinking about the friends she misses... it made me sad. it has been great seeing her happy lately. i never wanted it to end. but i knew it had too eventually... if only for a few minutes, or a day. everyone experiences that... at the end of last summer i had a very hard time parting with some of my friends. i haven't had the chance to sit back and relax yet this summer, but i've enjoyed wasting time with heidi. i don't like calling it that, because even though we aren't doing anything sometimes, it isn't a waste of time when i am with her. its time well spent. time i wouldn't want to spend any other way. she wrote that she doesn't know if i am always enjoying myself... and its weird... because looking back i cannot think of a time i spent with her that i would want to give up. she also wrote that she feels like she has power over me sometimes... while she definitely has an influence over some of my actions i don't want her to think that she is making me do things i wouldn't want to do. if something would bother me i'd tell her. i don't like that my friends think the way they do... it isn't because of her that i do some of the things i do. i would love for her to hang out with my friends and i, but it seems that there would never be a time where that would work out for her, my friends, and myself. i wish that heidi and i would have one or two days off together. it would be a nice break, a vacation from work. i still wish we could just get away somewhere together... if even for one or two days. tonight reminded me again that i never got to know any of her friends. everytime she did something with them i was never there. i've taken her with when my friends and i have gotten together. she knows most of them now. i have so many random thoughts floating through my head. but the funny thing is that the thoughts aren't bad, none of them are negative. there are some very good ones that i really couldn't post. but i don't think i am going to post this one anyway. there is really only one thing that bothers me right now... something i am unsure of. there are so many times when heidi and i are together and i want to tell her how much i care about her, how amazing i think our time together is, how much i love her. its hard, because i am unsure if i should tell her. even though we are together again i don't think she feels the same way. i still wonder if she ever really did. everyday i read what she put on my phone at work that time. 'i love curtis'. it reminds me that some things have changed. i love her. i want to tell her that. but i don't want to complicate anything, i don't want to tell her and not have her say anything back. even more i don't want to tell her and have her say it, but be unsure of herself. i thought back to that day at her grandparents house. we were lying on the couch. she could tell i wanted to say something. she always has been good at that. and she asked me what. i replied by telling her that i thought i was falling in love with her. truth was i had already fallen. she then told me she loved me. that she had never been so sure, never felt it so soon. it was one of the most amazing days of my life. during the time we weren't together there were times i would wonder what had changed. i seem to be babbling now, i guess im afraid to tell her now. things seem so great. she wrote that she wanted everything to be real. i guess by not telling her how much i feel for her i am being fake... but i think she knows. my love is real. its only a few weeks away until i go down to visit dan in omaha. only a couple weeks until heidi goes to camp. those two weeks will be hard, very hard. but like i told her tonight, we'll just have to makeout a lot the night before she leaves. that way i will have her germs for the two weeks we won't see each other. :P i have a feeling this will be one posting or draft that looking back on will make me smile, laugh. it is so random. and it seems to go on and on. but thats ok. or yokay as she would say it. wow. i think i need to go to sleep sometime soon. its almost one now. i am not looking forward to doing deposits and closing at work tomorrow. it sucks that heidi will be up in belview and echo this weekend... and most other weekends over the summer. my foot just fell asleep. and it is very tingly. i look forward to spending the summer with heidi, an amazing waste of time ;) i guess there is one other thing that is bothering me, something that i have been trying to push to the back of my mind: college. i don't want to lose her again. but i want to focus on our time now, not worry about what the future may bring. ~goodnight.... yep pretty sure it would be goodmorning now.