beautiful day

part of me is confused again. the reasons she wrote in the letter were different from everything she told me. i wish i would have known how she felt earlier. i realize it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but i still could have worked on some of it. i never realized she thought i was immature, i always wanted her to know that i wanted a serious relationship. i wanted her to feel that she could come to me with problems, that she could talk to me. she wrote that once she got to know me i was different than the person she thought i was. but what i can't figure out is what has changed now that she would want to be with me. i hate that she thought i wanted the relationship just because i thought she was 'hot' and i wanted a make-out partner. i guess i've never told her how i felt about that aspect of the relationship. i was always afraid it would scare her, i kinda scares me still. but truth is she is someone i can see myself with. i wouldn't be in the relationship if that wasn't true. no matter what she believes im not with her just because i want someone to hold, someone to kiss. i am with her because i can see a possible future with her. after reading her letter i am scared that we are together again only because she thought i would be fun to be with over the summer. i am afraid that she still cannot see herself with me, but wants to have 'fun' over the summer. thats not why i am with her. when i look at her i don't think 'man she's hot i want to bang her'. (really didn't know how else to put that). when i look at her i am thinking she is beautiful, and i am lucky to be with her. but not just because of her looks. its not degrading. she is beautiful in more than one way, even though she would never admit it. she's funny, she's smart, there is just something about her that makes her amazing. i wish she would know that. when i look back at how i felt when i lost her i can't help but realize how much i care for her. im glad things are different now, i hope that we are more than just a 'lets have a good time couple'. i've started rambling again. im sure there is more i could write, but i really don't remember everything else i have written. so in order to not repeat myself ten million times i will wrap this one up. i think however, i have come to realize that this type of writing is good for me. it will be interesting to look back at some of these later. i've also realized that i don't always have to post them for everyone to read.