AHHHH!!!!!

ok... this is my only way to release my frustration. writing. i want to talk to heidi right now... but she is working in belview. i am so frustrated, bothered about things. last night at work was hell. i was there until 11:30 alone. courtland left at 10:20. productivity was over 11. i worked over 9.5 hours again, double shift. we were still selling 20-30 sandwiches an hour up until 10 o-clock. and scoop was busy, it made over $130 throughout the day, most of it after 6pm. :( on top of that i was working for heidi so she could rub herself all over guys in the cities... it bothered me, i can't believe she doesn't realize that it isn't a very appropriate thing to do, especially if your boyfriend is at home working for you at the time, she knew it bothered me, but she didn't care. dan was upset with sarah about it, but i didn't want to get in an argument with heidi. i figured i would let it go, i don't need her hating me for not letting her go and blaming the regret later on me. even more everyone else seems to agree with me. courtland said he would have been upset, josh said he wouldn't have let her go. but i did. dancing in a club like that isn't like normal dancing. every guy she rubbed on was turned on, im sure she could feel that, and then it becomes a sexual experience. id say oh well. its over now. but it isn't. then as i was leaving subway i dropped my cd player, don't think i can fix it. that seemed to top things off, kinda like adding a cherry to the top of a sundae. what a crappy night though. then i get home and realize i have to be up at 7 to go to sherburn for a soccer tournament. we played 4 games... thats 4 hours of soccer. im pooped. and burnt. oh... and the kicker... i was supposed to get my laptop from best buy today... but its not in. they don't have it. and they don't know how long it will be. i was pissed. my dad is mad at me for a multitude of things i think. and jason is back. i hate myself for letting the clubbing thing bother me so much, and im sure ill fake that it didn't matter when i see her. there is no point in arguing over something that has already happened. though i want to tell her how much she hurt me by going, how much it bothered me. i couldn't fall asleep last night. i just kept thinking about all of the things that have been bothering me lately. i just wish she was always honest with me, and would at least think about how her actions are going to affect me. i would never treat her like that, or do some of the things she does without thinking about how inappropriate it is when you have a boyfriend. i know she hid something from me the other day/week. i don't know if ill ever be able to trust her. i don't think she would ever go so far as to completely cheat on me, but i don't think she realizes how much some of the things she does hurts me, ahhh... this is so stupid. maybe im naive. i have a problem with letting things go... all of the little things that i don't mention, and all of the big things that i do all seem to pile up. and that pile just gets higher and higher. each new thing reminds me of an old one... to the point when im bothered by all of the little things and can't shake it off. i just want to see her right now, even just talking to her would help. the only thing i have to look forward to now is that i don't work on monday. ooohhh... ya, but tomorrow night i get to close with michelle as my 10 o-clock person. pat wants me to have a bonfire party on monday night, so i said sure. don't know how many people will come, or how great it will be. oh well. just something more to worry about.