oops

definitely got blue paint on some of the keys on the keyboard :P ... oops

reply to you heidi

damnit. this is why i should keep all of my feelings to myself. or write where nobody can see. i wrote that they shouldn't be read deeply. nobody's being accused. there is just something i have to find out. there is nothing to feel guilty about. i hate myself for this. 'don't make assumptions'. i have been again. and you did with my words. im sorry. there are some things we need to talk about. but i can't help thinking back to what kim told me last night. she mentioned that when you came in to talk to her she told you something. she told you that through it all i would still be your friend, for id rather have you as a friend than lose you completely. shes right. nobody is accusing you. there are no rumors. the drama isnt there, it was just writing. we'll talk. my writing came when i was frustrated, angry for many reasons; not being able to sleep was a big one. and then lying in bed thinking just made everything pile up. im sorry. even though i may write it sometimes i could never not see you again. that would be unbearable. i still love you. you havent done anything wrong. i love you.

frustrated

this is so fuckin stupid. i woke up at 4:30 this morning. i couldnt fall back asleep. i laid in bed for over an hour and a half tearing myself open. by the end, by now i just wish i wasnt here. itd be easier. i hate this. i hate feeling like this. why dont i just give up. i dont have to put myself through this. why do i care so much. why cant i say its over. i cant take anymore. i dont want to see you ever again. why cant i walk out. walk away. leave everything behind. then again, maybe everything i am thinking is wrong. maybe they were wrong. i need to know. this is killing me.

*once again: don't read too deeply into this, i just needed to write. i have to keep it vague for numerous reasons. some of the things written are written out of frustration, anger, disbelief, confusion. i just need to sort it through, talk to the person i need to talk to. i dont want to walk away.

conflicted

im hurting again, im confused, im questioning, im conflicted. could it be the reason. is everything a lie. i dont understand. im lost. if its true then everything changes. its a possibility i never thought of. maybe the person is wrong. its only their opinion. they could be wrong. i choose not to believe. but can i trust again. have i ever believed. am i just a pawn. is this a game. am i being used. i need to talk. i need explanations. i need honesty. if its true. its over. if its true. goodbye. thinking too much. why do i listen to other people. why everything.

*everyone: try not to read too deeply into it... i just needed to write

nothing profound (cont.)

ok... so technically its a new day as its well after midnight; however, i am calling it a continuation of the posting before it for that day. don't know if that makes sense. i am running on very little sleep. im slightly tuckered out. kinda thinkin i should be in bed... oh well. i really didn't have to worry about not having stuff to do today... i did. i hung out with my friend from omaha (dan) most of the day... i learned how to solve, and solved a rubics cube... go me! i got to eat a very nice prime rib dinner at george's steaks with him and his family... very yummy. hung out for awhile, then went to a party... got lost on the way to lafayette, don't laugh, and yes i was driving... but in my defense he doesn't know how to use a map. (by the way we're really not that bad with directions, its a complicated story) then we hung out at the hotel for awhile. i am now at home for the fifth straight day in a row a day later than when i left. (that means i was out till after midnight for those of you who have trouble with things like that :P) .......ok.... i have now realized that i am babbling, lets blame it on the lack of sleep and say goodnight.... goodnight :)

nothing profound

this is a warning: this posting won't be profound. i really don't have anything i want to express in writing today. these are just a few thoughts i figured i would share.
1. i graduated... yay!!!! no more high school!!!! a lot less stress. i am so happy summer is here. this is my season... and i plan on living like it. i realize i will be working a lot, but when my butt isn't at subway i want to be having fun. :P
2. last night was fun. the commencement was boring, but afterwards was fun. i enjoyed the bonfire at luke's.
3. it is great seeing dan up here again, it sucks that i only see him once or twice a year. though i suppose thats how its going to be with almost everyone after summer is over.
4. last night i had some very strange dreams. don't know what they mean. normally i can't remember my dreams, but last night i had a lot of them, and i was able to remember some of them. in one dream i remember finding holes in all of my clothes and thinking that a mouse must have done it. i asked my dad for all new clothes. they were all random like that. there was one dream i had that bothered me, i don't want to explain it on here, but it was remembering back and trying to figure something out. didn't work. i did have one very good dream. i don't know why i had it tonight. it was a replay of a moment about 4 months ago. i don't need to put it on here, but heidi if your reading this you can ask me about it. :)
5. i have done enough laundry over the past two days to meet my obligation for the month.
6. there are some graduation parties i could go to today, but i really don't feel like it. im not really close to any of them, maybe ill just go to my closest friends... besides i don't want to get fat off of the food and cake. ;)
7. my brother put a copy of the sports illustrated swimsuit edition in the bathroom upstairs... nice :P (j/k... i think that it is exploitive of women, despicable, and degrading... :P)
8. today is my only day off in over two weeks starting tomorrow, but i have nothing going on... looks like ill have to entertain myself, or clean the house.
9. hopefully with money from graduation, and one or two more paychecks i can buy my laptop... im excited.
10. thats about it for now, maybe something more profound will come next posting.... or not. hopefully everyone is having a good weekend, and for those of you who still have school tuesday and wednesday i hope final study is going swell :P
*goodday

'this is a call'

a friend of mine had me listen to this song one day at school. at first i didn't pay much attention to it, but now i find that its hard to stop listening to it. anyway i was planning on posting just some of the lyrics, but realized people may find meaning in other parts as well. :P

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

CHORUS
She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous

CHORUS
He's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone

CHORUS
I'm calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

P.S. the song is by thousand foot krutch... a band i will be seeing this summer! they have another more rockish song entitled 'rawkfist'. if you want to listen to some of their songs they have a media player on their website at thousandfootkrutch.com.
P.P.S. by the time i finish typing this it will be after midnight on wednesday... i have entered the last day of my high school career. i would let out a loud cheerful battle cry, but my family happens to be sleeping. with that i am going to bed... goodnight :P

New Philosophy:

Everyone seems down lately... so many relationships are ending, school has been stressful and full of drama, and everyone has there own problems. But instead of sitting here and dwelling on the bad anymore I plan on focusing on my new philosophy. Just because I plan on focusing on my new philosophy doesn't mean that everything will go away, but I realized that sitting here doesn't change anything. Here is my new philosophy, hopefully you will join me!:

NEW PHILOSOPHY

* Enjoy Life
* Screw Drama
* Be Who You Are
* Do What You Want
* HAVE FUN :P

P.S. I have realized that not everyone agrees with the above philosophy. I challenge them to come up with something better. But if it works for me then... YAY :P

hoping

i wanted to text her last night. i wanted to tell her what i was feeling. i didn't. i guess i really don't know why. i don't think it would have meant anything to her anymore. i don't think she has the same feelings i do. when i lie in bed at night i wish she was there next to me. when i want to talk to someone i wish it was her i could turn to. i've never needed someone like this before. i was always so independent. why now. why can't i let go. its because i don't want to. i want to hold on to a hope that we will be together again. its because she's special, its because i want to be with her. im afraid that my feelings are making this hard on her. im sorry. but this is the only way i know how to express myself now. i would talk to her if i could, hold her; but im afraid that it would hurt her even more to see me cry. so i hold back.

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away. And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today. Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right. And though I can't be with you tonight. Know my heart is by your side.'

'I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand. If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am. Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?'

i've had that song in my head today, heard it on the radio yesterday. i really don't like it much. but the words seem to fit with the thoughts that i have. why do i still want to be with her... tonight... and always. i guess i know why.

'the dance'

it is now early in the morning, i have gone yet another night without sleep. this time; however, i have a legitimate excuse. i have come to realize that writing has become an escape, a way for me to sort out my thoughts. it seems that over the past week my mind has never stopped thinking. it doesn't matter what im doing, i constantly have thoughts in the back of my mind. fleeting thoughts that only writing can sort through. for some reason i am able to write what i am unable to speak, what i am unable to organize in my mind. the words seem to flow without effort, i know this because they come from the heart. i've been writing a lot, i wish i had access to a computer 24/7, i find it easier to type than to write. maybe its a good thing that i write before posting. sometimes there are writings that would only cause more pain, more hurt. i have to constantly remind myself not to be selfish. i have to remind myself that she needs the time to be alone. time for herself. time away from me. i wonder if it wouldn't be better if i wasn't a part of her life at all, if she would be happier if i was gone. but i made a promise, i promised i would be there for her, that i would be a friend. its hard though. its hard living in agony because you aren't with the person you love. its hard knowing there is nothing you can do. its hard kissing her, but knowing that it means nothing to her. its hard not knowing if you mean anything to the person you love. its hard hearing her talk about things, wondering what she is doing; knowing that you are not a part of it. at the relay tonight, this morning, we heard so many stories about people who lost loved ones. they talked about how unexpected, how young some of the people they lost were. it reminded me again of how unpredictable life is, how sudden you can lose someone close to you. i felt the pain inside again. its so hard to explain. even though i still see her, it feels like i've lost her. it feels like shes died. thats the only way i know how to explain how i feel sometimes. i miss her. i want to hold her, and when i do hold her i wish it could last forever. the waiting is hard, not because i won't allow myself to be with anyone else, but because i am not with her. id be willing to trade anything to be with her, for her to be apart of my life once again. i hate not being in control of my life, but this is one thing that i have no control over. i have to allow her to make that decision herself. i've known she meant a lot to me, that i cared for her, that i loved her. i just never realized until this week that she meant the world to me, that i adored her, that i loved her so deeply. i love her, its really that simple, and ill wait for her.

'Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance'

alone

i've started praying again. its been so long. every night before bed, and many times throughout the day, its always the same thing. i pray for her peace, i pray for her happiness. i pray she will eventually find her way back to me.

missing her

i've managed to build a wall again. this wall is different though. i used to be able to suppress emotions so that i wouldn't feel them, nor would others notice. instead now the wall is only on the outside, its more a mask really. while others believe i am better today than yesterday, i know the truth. im not able to hide from myself. if everyone wants to see me smile, ill smile. maybe that helps them somehow. what they don't realize is that on the inside i am lost. i am exhausted from hiding and faking every emotion throughout the day. i've lost the person i love most in my life, how can people expect the pain to vanish in a day. i have no desire to love anyone else, i don't think im capable of it now. there is one thing i am sure of, i will never be able to love completely. if in the end i find this to be permanent, i know i would not be able to give my whole heart to someone again. a piece of it will always belong to her.

still fading...

i've heard everything, been hugged by everyone, cried in front of many, but nothing seems to help. people don't understand, they say im stronger than this, they don't really know me. truth is im not as strong and confident as they seem to believe, its a front, a wall that i've learned to build to mask my emotions, hide the hurt; something i learned to do as a child. that wall has finally crumbled and i've been left exposed. its hard, people asking questions all day, not wanting to answer for fear of breaking down. im scaring people, i can hear the whispers, they're afraid im going to hurt myself.

people try to convince me that she isn't worth it, that she isn't worth the pain i am going through now. to that i say fuck all of you. she's worth it, to me she is worth everything, everything and anything. i love her, even if everything else in my life fades away that will forever remain. i want her to be happy, more than i want myself to be happy. if she would be happier without me, or needs to take time to try and find herself, then i will have to learn to let her do that. i want her to be happy, and she is absolutely worth the pain i will have in my life if it helps her reach a point where she can love herself.

dying inside, fading away

how are you supposed to tell someone you are sorry, that you never meant to hurt them. that you never wanted the pain you felt to harm them, that the pain wasn't caused by them. how do you say that even through the downs the love you felt never wavered, was never second guessed. how do you begin to explain that being a part of their life was the most amazing experience of your life. how do you explain that you didn't want it to end. if only for awhile longer... there are so many things going on, how do you explain you would have been better once school let out, the downs in your life would stop. instead your left feeling empty inside, dead to the world. your left not caring about anything, people have been trying to comfort you, watching you cry... something that hasn't happened in years, but nothing can help take the pain away. the past begins to replay in your mind, and you begin regretting all of the times the stupid little things tore you apart. you wish for a second chance, cause you know this is the person you want to be with. how are you supposed to move on knowing a part of you will die inside, how do you stop yourself from fading away from everything else in the world. how do you explain you need this person in your life, cause without this person it feels there is no life to live. how do you tell people you wish you were dead, because you are no longer alive.

dead to the world

I never could have seen this far
I never could have seen this coming
It seems like my world is falling apart

Why is everything so hard
I don’t think that I can deal with the things you said
They just won’t go away

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you this means nothing
Nothing at all

I used to think that I was strong
Until the day it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through

I wish that I could bring you back
I wish that I could turn back time
Cuz I can’t let go
I just can’t find my way
Without you I just can’t find my way

I don’t know what I should do now
I don’t know where I should go
I’m still here waiting for you
I’m lost when your not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can’t let you go

You feel nothing
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

quotes

this sucks... i had a little piece written along with some quotes i had found... then i hit the little red x on the screen and wham... gone... so i am now starting over again... really don't feel like doing anything productive right now... anywho... i get to college speech and discover our assignment for the day is to find some random quotes on the internet, basically permission to goof off all hour... however... during the time while i was actually searching for some lovely quotes i found a couple that i thought were nice...

~Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.

~The past is malleable and flexible, changing as our recollection interprets and re-explains what has happened.

~If the stars should appear but one night every thousand years how man would marvel and adore.

~People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

~For those who have seen the Earth from space, and for the hundreds and perhaps thousands more who will, the experience most certainly changes your perspective. The things that we share in our world are far more valuable than those which divide us.

~Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

:P

Senior class motto of Elkhorn High School down in Omaha, Nebraska :)

"Dance as though no one is watching
Love as though you've never been hurt
Sing as though no one can hear you
Live as though heaven is on earth"