a forced posting ;)

okay... so here is the post some of you were waiting for.... and i have nothing. seriously, i am lying here with nothing to write.

Sam: hope your enjoying the rascal flatts cd. it took me long enough to get it too you, hope it is worth it.

Heidi: i miss you already and its only been two days. don't even want to think about what it will be like after two weeks. i've found a way to talk to you though, kinda. i've started writing you letters, you can read them when we both get back if you want. its a silly idea, but it helps me. there are many times i wish i could talk to you about things that happen during the day, and writing them all down is my way of talking to you when your not there. they are probably boring, and will be outdated by the time you read them. oh... and ill be gone from subway next week too, so i wont be able to watch your cleaning jobs and scrub the oven before you get back. we'll just have to see how Subway holds out with both of us wonderful employees gone :)

well there you have it... i have nothing left. i am slightly tired from playing soccer all day long. i was gone over 12 hours today in fairmont. so... without further ado... goodnight. :D

AHHHH!!!!!

ok... this is my only way to release my frustration. writing. i want to talk to heidi right now... but she is working in belview. i am so frustrated, bothered about things. last night at work was hell. i was there until 11:30 alone. courtland left at 10:20. productivity was over 11. i worked over 9.5 hours again, double shift. we were still selling 20-30 sandwiches an hour up until 10 o-clock. and scoop was busy, it made over $130 throughout the day, most of it after 6pm. :( on top of that i was working for heidi so she could rub herself all over guys in the cities... it bothered me, i can't believe she doesn't realize that it isn't a very appropriate thing to do, especially if your boyfriend is at home working for you at the time, she knew it bothered me, but she didn't care. dan was upset with sarah about it, but i didn't want to get in an argument with heidi. i figured i would let it go, i don't need her hating me for not letting her go and blaming the regret later on me. even more everyone else seems to agree with me. courtland said he would have been upset, josh said he wouldn't have let her go. but i did. dancing in a club like that isn't like normal dancing. every guy she rubbed on was turned on, im sure she could feel that, and then it becomes a sexual experience. id say oh well. its over now. but it isn't. then as i was leaving subway i dropped my cd player, don't think i can fix it. that seemed to top things off, kinda like adding a cherry to the top of a sundae. what a crappy night though. then i get home and realize i have to be up at 7 to go to sherburn for a soccer tournament. we played 4 games... thats 4 hours of soccer. im pooped. and burnt. oh... and the kicker... i was supposed to get my laptop from best buy today... but its not in. they don't have it. and they don't know how long it will be. i was pissed. my dad is mad at me for a multitude of things i think. and jason is back. i hate myself for letting the clubbing thing bother me so much, and im sure ill fake that it didn't matter when i see her. there is no point in arguing over something that has already happened. though i want to tell her how much she hurt me by going, how much it bothered me. i couldn't fall asleep last night. i just kept thinking about all of the things that have been bothering me lately. i just wish she was always honest with me, and would at least think about how her actions are going to affect me. i would never treat her like that, or do some of the things she does without thinking about how inappropriate it is when you have a boyfriend. i know she hid something from me the other day/week. i don't know if ill ever be able to trust her. i don't think she would ever go so far as to completely cheat on me, but i don't think she realizes how much some of the things she does hurts me, ahhh... this is so stupid. maybe im naive. i have a problem with letting things go... all of the little things that i don't mention, and all of the big things that i do all seem to pile up. and that pile just gets higher and higher. each new thing reminds me of an old one... to the point when im bothered by all of the little things and can't shake it off. i just want to see her right now, even just talking to her would help. the only thing i have to look forward to now is that i don't work on monday. ooohhh... ya, but tomorrow night i get to close with michelle as my 10 o-clock person. pat wants me to have a bonfire party on monday night, so i said sure. don't know how many people will come, or how great it will be. oh well. just something more to worry about.

difference

it was nice going to mankato with heidi today, even if i didn't get my laptop right away. we've been hanging out and doing things we never really did before. its like we're together more. we talk more. about lots of different things. after reading her letters i realized that i didn't want her to think that i wanted this relationship for some of the reasons she suspected. i want her to know that i enjoy spending time with her, and we don't always have to be alone. i don't know if that still scares her. i also don't know if she thinks we are moving fast again. i guess i've tried slowing that down again now. i just want her to know that i am serious about our relationship, i want it to be more than just making out. i want to be there for her as a friend, as someone she can talk to. i want her to be someone i can talk to. and i think we are getting there. i realize things still may not be perfect, and i guess i really don't know how she feels, but i know that things are different. somethings have changed. i plan on making sure i don't lose her again, i love her, and i want her to know that i care about her as a person. i respect her, i appreciate her personality, and i enjoy listening to her, watching her do things. i want to be with her. and i want to make sure she knows that.

'moment of the day'

the hurt is washed away
still here i am
in the middle of it all
with heavy hands
and i try so hard
just to leave behind me
all the chains that bind me

i wont back down
wont turn my head around
quick, take a recess
who's, taking another breath
guess who, whose you, better take another clue
find out all about, just dont doubt
just dont doubt

And i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, yeah
and i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, alright

While Others Are...

* thought this was neat

Believe while others are doubting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting.

beautiful day

part of me is confused again. the reasons she wrote in the letter were different from everything she told me. i wish i would have known how she felt earlier. i realize it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but i still could have worked on some of it. i never realized she thought i was immature, i always wanted her to know that i wanted a serious relationship. i wanted her to feel that she could come to me with problems, that she could talk to me. she wrote that once she got to know me i was different than the person she thought i was. but what i can't figure out is what has changed now that she would want to be with me. i hate that she thought i wanted the relationship just because i thought she was 'hot' and i wanted a make-out partner. i guess i've never told her how i felt about that aspect of the relationship. i was always afraid it would scare her, i kinda scares me still. but truth is she is someone i can see myself with. i wouldn't be in the relationship if that wasn't true. no matter what she believes im not with her just because i want someone to hold, someone to kiss. i am with her because i can see a possible future with her. after reading her letter i am scared that we are together again only because she thought i would be fun to be with over the summer. i am afraid that she still cannot see herself with me, but wants to have 'fun' over the summer. thats not why i am with her. when i look at her i don't think 'man she's hot i want to bang her'. (really didn't know how else to put that). when i look at her i am thinking she is beautiful, and i am lucky to be with her. but not just because of her looks. its not degrading. she is beautiful in more than one way, even though she would never admit it. she's funny, she's smart, there is just something about her that makes her amazing. i wish she would know that. when i look back at how i felt when i lost her i can't help but realize how much i care for her. im glad things are different now, i hope that we are more than just a 'lets have a good time couple'. i've started rambling again. im sure there is more i could write, but i really don't remember everything else i have written. so in order to not repeat myself ten million times i will wrap this one up. i think however, i have come to realize that this type of writing is good for me. it will be interesting to look back at some of these later. i've also realized that i don't always have to post them for everyone to read.

future

i really should get to work. my nap took longer than i was expecting. i can't believe i actually fell asleep. part of me is excited. i cannot help but think of the future. of college. i don't really want to go the cities. i really don't want to lose heidi again. i lost her once, and that was hard enough. losing her again... especially for reasons not in our control will be just as hard if not harder. we've already talked about how hard it will be to not see each other for two weeks. we wouldn't see each other at all if we went to college at different schools. just like i can't tell her how much i love her right now, i also can't bring myself to tell her how much i want to be with her, to stay with her. its wierd. i realize i am still young. but i really cannot see myself with anyone else. but thats just me. i doubt she feels the same way. i applied to wlc today. if i am accepted i want to talk to her about it. if she wants me to come with her i will. i want to. but i will leave that decision up to her. maybe she just views our relationship as a fling and will want to start over at college. i hope not. i just don't want to lose her again. im hoping i am accepted. i am hoping she will say yes.

Dare to...

Ask For What You Want.
Believe in Yourself.
Change Your Mind.
Do What You Love.
Enjoy Each And Every Day.
Follow Your Heart's Desire.
Give More Than You Receive.
Have a Sense of Humor.
Insist On Being Yourself.
Join In More.
Kiss and Make up.
Love and Be Loved.
Make New Friends.
Nurture Your Spirit.
Overcome Adversity.
Play More.
Question Conformity.
Reach for the Stars.
Speak Your Truth.
Take Personal Responsibility.
Understand More, Judge Less.
Volunteer Your Time.
Walk Through Fear.
X-perience The Moment.
Yearn for Grace.
be Zany.

hey there

i know i haven't posted in awhile. but im not as bad as some of you. at least i didn't go a month without posting. (ahem... kaia). and it isn't that i haven't written. ive written a lot last night and this morning. i just didn't want to post them. there are some things that i write that i dont' feel i need to share with everyone... they are meant for myself, or are an escape for myself... and one other person. whether i will show them to her im not sure yet. i don't usually see her writing. most everything with meaning that i wanted to say i have already written elsewhere. but i hope everyone is enjoying their summer breaks now. it is already over a 1/12 over. sorry if that depresses some of you :P ...anyway, goodmornin' and goodbye

hurt, happening again

i don't know why i am so hurt by it. i guess i shouldn't be. it was her choice. but i can't help the way i feel. she looked so tired last night. it was midnight. she didn't want to hang out with me, she wanted to go to sleep. she told me she was going to sleep. i would have loved to hang out or be with her, but she wanted to sleep so i walked her up to her apartment. why the hell did she stay up for another two and a half hours hanging out with other people. i don't know why it hurts. but if she was too tired to hang out with me, why wasn't she too tired to hang out with them. its her choice. maybe i am more hurt that she chose them over me, but the situation is different. she wanted me to leave her alone so she could go to bed. but why did she stay up so much longe. maybe it is bothering me more because i know i won't see her for a couple days now. i don't want her to leave for belview and echo like this. i just don't understand sometimes. i was at home last night, thinking and writing about the past two weeks... how much i cared about her. like i told myself in the last entry, i don't think she feels even close to how i feel about her. and if she does... she hides it well. i wanted to see her this morning. thats why i called. she said she wouldn't have to leave until twelve. that she wanted to see me too. i guess she changed her mind on that as well. i won't let this become bigger than it is. not unless she does. we've been doing so well. im not ready for a down. i don't want a down. i want to be with her... right now.
....ok... addition onto draft.... i called her and got to see her, and seeing her made me feel somewhat better :)

changes

the last two weeks have been amazing. somehow they have remained amazing even while working as much as i am. something is different. our relationship is different, but i can't tell what it is. we've been happy. and while we have had downs, like heidi's tonight... it isn't because we weren't communicating, or because we had a down in our relationship. its been an amazing two weeks. i hope it continues.... i have faith it will continue. seeing her down tonight, thinking about the friends she misses... it made me sad. it has been great seeing her happy lately. i never wanted it to end. but i knew it had too eventually... if only for a few minutes, or a day. everyone experiences that... at the end of last summer i had a very hard time parting with some of my friends. i haven't had the chance to sit back and relax yet this summer, but i've enjoyed wasting time with heidi. i don't like calling it that, because even though we aren't doing anything sometimes, it isn't a waste of time when i am with her. its time well spent. time i wouldn't want to spend any other way. she wrote that she doesn't know if i am always enjoying myself... and its weird... because looking back i cannot think of a time i spent with her that i would want to give up. she also wrote that she feels like she has power over me sometimes... while she definitely has an influence over some of my actions i don't want her to think that she is making me do things i wouldn't want to do. if something would bother me i'd tell her. i don't like that my friends think the way they do... it isn't because of her that i do some of the things i do. i would love for her to hang out with my friends and i, but it seems that there would never be a time where that would work out for her, my friends, and myself. i wish that heidi and i would have one or two days off together. it would be a nice break, a vacation from work. i still wish we could just get away somewhere together... if even for one or two days. tonight reminded me again that i never got to know any of her friends. everytime she did something with them i was never there. i've taken her with when my friends and i have gotten together. she knows most of them now. i have so many random thoughts floating through my head. but the funny thing is that the thoughts aren't bad, none of them are negative. there are some very good ones that i really couldn't post. but i don't think i am going to post this one anyway. there is really only one thing that bothers me right now... something i am unsure of. there are so many times when heidi and i are together and i want to tell her how much i care about her, how amazing i think our time together is, how much i love her. its hard, because i am unsure if i should tell her. even though we are together again i don't think she feels the same way. i still wonder if she ever really did. everyday i read what she put on my phone at work that time. 'i love curtis'. it reminds me that some things have changed. i love her. i want to tell her that. but i don't want to complicate anything, i don't want to tell her and not have her say anything back. even more i don't want to tell her and have her say it, but be unsure of herself. i thought back to that day at her grandparents house. we were lying on the couch. she could tell i wanted to say something. she always has been good at that. and she asked me what. i replied by telling her that i thought i was falling in love with her. truth was i had already fallen. she then told me she loved me. that she had never been so sure, never felt it so soon. it was one of the most amazing days of my life. during the time we weren't together there were times i would wonder what had changed. i seem to be babbling now, i guess im afraid to tell her now. things seem so great. she wrote that she wanted everything to be real. i guess by not telling her how much i feel for her i am being fake... but i think she knows. my love is real. its only a few weeks away until i go down to visit dan in omaha. only a couple weeks until heidi goes to camp. those two weeks will be hard, very hard. but like i told her tonight, we'll just have to makeout a lot the night before she leaves. that way i will have her germs for the two weeks we won't see each other. :P i have a feeling this will be one posting or draft that looking back on will make me smile, laugh. it is so random. and it seems to go on and on. but thats ok. or yokay as she would say it. wow. i think i need to go to sleep sometime soon. its almost one now. i am not looking forward to doing deposits and closing at work tomorrow. it sucks that heidi will be up in belview and echo this weekend... and most other weekends over the summer. my foot just fell asleep. and it is very tingly. i look forward to spending the summer with heidi, an amazing waste of time ;) i guess there is one other thing that is bothering me, something that i have been trying to push to the back of my mind: college. i don't want to lose her again. but i want to focus on our time now, not worry about what the future may bring. ~goodnight.... yep pretty sure it would be goodmorning now.

word of God speak

* no need for more words than this:

'I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay '

'jesus said, "i am the way, the truth, and the life. no one gets to the father except through me."' -john 14:6