no comments, no explanations

Dear God,

I am a sinner. I know I do not live up to the perfection you wish to see in me. I am not holy. It is only by your grace and my faith in your sending your one and only son to die for my sins that I will live eternally with you in heaven.

I have trouble praying; you know this, I end feeling vain. It shouldn't be about me, it should be about you. My prayers should be a thanksgiving for you. But I need your guidance.

I feel drained, exhausted, confused. She is hurting. I need you to comfort her, please. I blame myself and it is killing me inside. Only you see my tears now. I ask for your forgiveness; yours and hers. I don't know what the future holds, only you can know that. You put us together for a reason; I ask that you guide us both on the paths that you wish us to live. I love her, but I need you to help me understand what that means.

I am sorry.

This Road That We Travel

There come times in everyone's lives when they begin to question what the future holds. What is God's plan for me? What am I supposed to do with the life I have been given? Which path should I take?
So often we have these fleeting thoughts, but then there are the times when you can't shake the feeling that your life is not what you want it to be. There are times when you begin to wish you had done more. Eventually you start going through the 'What If's?'. Once you are done looking at the past you turn your focus to the future. But we don't know the future, so we become confused. Once we have sobered ourselves in the fact that we cannot predict what's to come we turn towards the present. But the present is a funny thing, for it is the time we spend in the present that determine how we will view the past, and it is the time in the present that will guide us to our futures.
Right now I am so confused with the present, and my views on how I want my future that I don't know what to do with the present. So I go on and on unsure of the paths I should take. Over the next few years there are going to be many decisions I have to make about where my life is headed. All I can hope for is that the paths I take are the right ones.
Here are the lyrics to the song playing on my blog right now. I can listen to this song over and over and somehow find peace within it.

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow

May Christ in our marrow, carry us home

From alabaster come blessings of laughter

A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing

From hearts of contrition only for You

May sin never hold true that love never broke through

For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow

God give us peace and grace from You, all the day

Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher

God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

Let Go:

What if you don't know how?

Facebook

just for reference this is my facebook address (my college was just added this weekend :P) you don't have to be a facebook member to see my profile, but i don't know why you wouldn't want to be a member... some of the features are really cool... and for those of you in high school facebook just started for you too... so check it out the site is facebook.com and my personal address is:
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what's wrong?

she's begun comparing what i am thinking about now to how she felt earlier in our relationship. she said the doubt would not go away, but would only get worse. she said my trust in her wouldn't be there, and that i wouldn't want the relationship. we talked through some of that. i told her it wasn't doubt about what we had, but the ups and downs we've had since college started that bothered me. i'm not questioning my feelings for her, that hasn't changed. i told her that my mind is telling me that all of the changes, the new environment, and the way we've been acting towards one another won't allow us to work. that doesn't mean that i don't want it to. i want it to work. that is what my heart tells me.
she knows something is still wrong. she calls me on it a lot. i told her i don't really know what it is, but its probably a bunch of little things. i am typing this to try to organize my thoughts into something i can talk to her about. she deserves to know what i am thinking. i hate hurting her, which is what i think i am doing now. she keeps saying that she isn't even analyzing or processing things right now. i don't know whether any of this is really bothering her or not, but either way it is bothering me; so if for no other reason i would like to try to sort this out for myself. i don't know how to explain what i am feeling or thinking. after i act like i do, after i dwell on the thoughts that come to mind i can't help but hate myself for it. i'm afraid a lot of the time that if i tell her what i am thinking that she'll get upset at my making an issue out of something to her that seems stupid. a lot of it comes back to the fear of losing her again. not a day goes by still to this day that i do not wonder if she wants to end our relationship. it scares me that a lot of the things said, or the ways we're acting are similar to the time before our break. then again it could all just be in my head. i'll try to sort through some of the things that i have been thinking about.
i seem to get so frustrated lately, even over some of the seemingly smallest of things. it isn't that i am constantly mad at her, i just get annoyed or frustrated very easily. i don't know how to get back to the time when those little things didn't bother me as much. we talked about not talking last night. that has been bothering me. i was reminded of it tonight. i am used to her coming to me with problems or thoughts, and telling me about her day. but now she has other people that she talks to. and when we have been together neither of us have opened a conversation. i feel like i'm on a back burner, which i realize is an unfair assumption. but i can't help getting frustrated by not being the first person she comes to anymore.
she knows that i have been reading a previous post on here. i can't help it. the feelings that i feel now are similar to then, and it seems some of what i wrote can help explain some of this now. once again it seem like all of these little things are piling up, and i feel that eventually i won't be able to handle it anymore. i don't like not having the alone time like we always had. now it seems there is always other people around. its hard to have deeper conversations with others in the room. i don't like when i am in her room that i end up talking to beth more than her.
i hate how she doesn't tell me things right away, or she'll hide different aspects. i don't want her to be afraid to tell me things. it only makes it worse when i hear her tell someone else later or hear it from someone else. it makes me think that the reason she doesn't tell me some things is because she thinks that i would find it wrong. but by not telling me it only makes me lose trust in her bit by bit.
i don't like how when i am in her room and we are actually talking that she'll get up and go to her computer to message someone. i hate how she talks to people on there more than me when i am in the room. or more than me in general. i realize this is one of those issues that i shouldn't let bother me so much, but i can't help getting frustrated. it is just one of the smaller things that i add to some of the others, and then i can't help being bothered.
i hate how when i think about things now i can't help thinking about the past and some of the things that remind me of it.
part of me cannot help but be bothered by some of the conversations we have had recently. there are some things that are in the back of my mind a lot of the time when i think about things like i am now. it scares me that she isn't sure what she wants. it scares me that she told me she loved me over the summer. told me that she meant it, and that she was sure. i can remember the first time she said it again after we were together again from the break. i don't know what to think about that anymore. even if she says it again i won't know whether she means it. i thought she meant it before, but she proved me wrong; she proved herself wrong.
another thing we both struggled with this week was the issue of sex. it scared me, as it did her. i wanted it. i knew at the time it couldn’t happen, obviously; but it scared me how much i wanted it to. i will respect whatever she wants, and my values tell me that even if she would want us to i shouldn’t. but i am afraid that i wouldn’t say no. i know i wouldn’t say no. but there is no way i will pressure her into that, even if it ever were to come up that we both decided it was what we wanted i would want to sit down and talk to her about it. with her i wouldn't want sex to just be something that we would do because it felt good, i would want it to have meaning; i would want it to be a way to grow closer together. right now i think it would make things more complicated, and possibly drive us apart. the frustrating thing is that we are both afraid to be sexual with one another for fear that the urge to take it further will arise.
i was so frustrated when i slept in my dorm the other night. i woke up so many times and wanted her to be there. for some reason i was able to sleep well next to her this past weekend. i feel like such a damn idiot. is it wrong of me to want to be with her, next to her. she says she doesn't want to read this. i don't know if i want her to. but we need to at least talk about some of these things, otherwise they are just going to keep building in my mind and eventually i won't be able to handle it anymore. even just sitting down and talking about some of these things would help.
there are more things that have frustrated me lately. some of them i have talked to her about, others i am sure will happen again and i will say something. i need to stop hiding.